Don’t get me wrong I am happy with many parts of my life, in fact I am sure from the outside looking in my life looks pretty fabulous.
I have been waiting on some news, it has had me whirling with anxiety, and finally this morning I got the good news I was hoping for. I felt that rush of adrenaline, I was so happy and excited. Then suddenly around lunchtime I felt completely flat and unhappy. I don’t know exactly why, but I want to cry. I finally got the news I was hoping for and I want to cry, what is wrong with me!!??
I sat there before thinking about it, wondering why I feel sad, and I came to the conclusion that with me it has almost become a constant search for something that will make me happy, or more to the point, make me feel settled within. I feel like I have just been presented with this amazing opportunity and now I am not sure I want to take it! Why? Because I feel like if I do, it will only make me happy for a short while, and then I will be searching for the next thing to fill some empty black whole inside of me.
I thought it was wanting to be loved, get married, have children, get my degree, a house in the area I converted, it goes on and on, but when I have those things I still feel an emptiness. I am so in love with my husband, my children fill me with so much happiness, pride, love and laughter, I wouldn’t say I am unhappy, yet somehow . . . unfulfilled.
I actually have no idea how to even explain it, I just feel like I am never going to be at peace, I so desperately want to be at peace. Is it just the anxiety and depression?
I am so grateful, I could list a million things I am grateful for, I know how blessed I am, but I feel empty, or like an actress playing a role. I am truly beginning to wonder if I will ever be happy? Will I ever be able to just be still, to settle within my mind?
I don’t know what to do. I am so in my own head, I am suffering, and I just feel so confused.