I hate feeling tired. I don’t mind that sleepy feeling after a long day when you lay your head on a soft pillow, but the problem is I feel tired almost all the time. I am literally tired of being tired.
I actually used to believe I was lazy, I hated myself for it. I wondered why I just couldn’t be more like those energetic people. I secretly detested myself. It isn’t laziness though, it is just that I am so tired. I don’t even think tired explains it, it feels more like I am walking through a thick mist. My brain feels foggy and my mind sometimes struggles to process information. My eyes want to close, my head wants to rest. My body is Ok, but my head is so heavy.
A few years ago I got so scared to drive, I wasn’t sure if I trusted myself to drive safely because I was so tired. I was living in the country side with a large property, surrounded by nature, large trees and chickens, I was living the dream, but I was beginning to feel isolated because I didn’t trust myself to drive.
We sold up and moved so that I can now walk the children to school. I know what days I am doing OK and I feel alert and safe to drive, but other days I am exhausted.
I had a thyroid test, blood tests, heart check, and I was eventually diagnosed with Anxiety and secondary Depression. To be honest it felt like a relief to have a diagnosis although going on medication was a whole other level of acceptance that I will not go into today. I hoped though that dealing with my anxiety and being on medication would eventually help me with the tiredness, but it has been a few years and still I wake up foggy and I go through many days still being so tired.
Recently my husband found an article which sounded so much like me and my symptoms (there are other symptoms I have), it was like reading all about me and my life, yet this person has a thyroid issue which I was already checked for. It said that often the usual test can miss a certain type of issue, so maybe that is the problem after all.
It feels silly to want to be diagnosed with something, but I am so frustrated with this continuous fog! I am not depressed and haven’t been in a long time, I still feel anxious in certain situations or when I don’t take care of myself (eg: walk, be in nature, exercise, eat well, or if I don’t allow myself alone time), mostly I know how to keep my Anxiety in check. My tiredness on the other hand seems impossible to stop.
I hide it well, I never nap even though my body is screaming at me to do so, I wake up everyday and smile at my children despite wanting to crawl back under the covers, I spend days out with friends, I go to work a couple of days a week, I tell funny stories, I enjoy my life. It feels like I am an actress playing a role, but I don’t want to be needy, or be the person everyone feels sorry for, so I dig deep and I get out there. Life is meant to be lived and I want to live it!
We all have things that we wish we didn’t, and often we have more than a few! Still I am grateful for my children, my pets, my man, my friendships that make me want to get up everyday despite what my head is feeling. I refuse to lie down, and I will hopefully figure out if it is something more than the Anxiety.
I so desperately want to stop being engulfed in this heavy fog. Can anyone relate?