I want another baby

I want to have another baby. To be honest I have wanted another baby for years now. This isn’t some new revelation, this isn’t a phase I am going through. The ache in my heart is a constant. I push my feelings down for months and then all I can think about when I lay awake at night is how amazing it would be pregnant again.

I have spoken to my husband about it many times since Fox was a baby. It comes up, I get emotional, I see the stress appear on his face. I know it so well now, the look of him wondering how he is going to tell me it is not going to happen.

If you have been to my blog before toady you may be aware that I wrote a post about my older sister going through menopause and my own personal freak out about it. I have been realising that soon my own chances of conceiving a healthy baby will be very slim.

Emotionally I am not done having children! 

The thing is what is the point of even thinking about it, mentioning it, or discussing it, when I know his answer will be NO?

I know it will, yet I still ask. Again, like I knew it would be, he says no. He is happy with the status quo, is he implying I am not? Am I actually not? He is worried about money. Fair enough it is expensive to raise a child, but still we are doing ok.

I didn’t push it, I just wanted to discuss it. I asked him to consider my feelings. he responded that “I” need to consider his. I got a little angry at this point.

I have considered his feelings, he said no, so I agreed we won’t have another child.

I have considered his feelings for the past 7 ayers, every time I have brought it up, he says he doesn’t want another child, so I have no choice but to agree. I could of course manipulate the situation and get pregnant, but I would never do that, I haven’t done that because I am considering ‘his feelings’. So that is why I was annoyed that he implied I am not considering his feelings.

That is the thing with bringing a child into this world, it takes two, and if one person says no, then they automatically get their way. It is not about him winning and me loosing, it is about me not bringing a child into this world without my husband wanting it just as much as I do.

I want another baby, it is like an ache, my heart literally aches to have another child, my whole body wants another child. I will not have another child. It is over for me. I have no choice to a accept that. It is not that I am unhappy, or that I don’t already know how blessed I am to have 3 healthy children, trust me I do. Still my heart still hurts. I just want him to acknowledge that. I just want him to understand that it hurts me, that I am in pain.

It is not about changing his mind, I know if at this point he said yes that he would only be doing it to make me happy, and that is not what I want! I wanted him to want it, but he doesn’t. I do not blame him, it is just how he feels, just like I feel the way I do. I just want him to allow me time to grieve this. I want him to acknowledge that I am hurting. Does that make sense to anyone? Or is it just me?

Ren