Womens Rights

I was raped. So do you blame me?

I am angry, but fully aware the my anger masks deep hurts. I was reading about ‘rape culture’ late last night, I could feel that I was growing more upset, I should have put down what I was reading, but I kept reading. By the time I had finished I turned out the light beside my bed and lay silently next to my partner’s sleeping body.

I wanted so desperately just to fall asleep, to block out the intrusive thoughts and just fall asleep. Flashes of memories were like unwelcome people invading my home, I tried to stop them begging and willing myself to just fall asleep. I didn’t want to see this, I didn’t want to feel it. Sleep, just please sleep!

I wanted to get out of bed, creep downstairs, crawl into a tiny ball and cry.

I wanted to go outside and run, and keep running.

I lay there, silent tears rolling down my face, my neck, onto my pillow. The flashes wouldn’t stop. Do I get up? Do I book back in for counselling? Most of the time though I am OK. Plus I feel let down by the mental health profession, that’s a whole other story.

I fell asleep.

Now it is morning.

I woke up, my partner next to me. I told him how last night felt. He said I should have woken him up. I had thought about it, but I knew he was so tired, I would have felt bad waking him. Still he is right, I should have, I mean I would want him to tell me if he was feeling that way. Sometimes though I just feel like I want to be alone. Other times I feel like a burden. I know I shouldn’t, still I do.

I am angry that I wasn’t taught to stand up for myself, that I was told ‘boys will be boys’, that I was told, ‘if boys are showing you any interest that is a good thing, it means they like you, it is a good thing to be liked by everyone’.

I am angry that somehow men still think it is funny to tell jokes about women and degrade them.

I am angry that when a man rapes a women people ask ‘well what was she wearing?’ ‘Was she drinking?’ “Had she been flirting with him?’ ‘Was she walking by herself?’

Why the F*** should that matter!!!!???????

It doesn’t matter that she said NO, that she scrammed, cried, asked, begged, demanded, pleaded for him to stop!

It doesn’t matter that she didn’t want this!

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People are focusing on what she did wrong, or what she should have done instead! Does it make you feel better, safer to blame her because there is no way you would let that happen to you, or your child, your sister, your mother?

What about him? What about the man who touched, violated, penetrated her against her will? Isn’t it all on him? Well it should be! You can sit there and say well of course I agree, it is on him, because you are imagining a man who you don’t know, a scary man, perhaps a man of another culture or race. A man whom lurks in alley ways. But when it is a celebrity, or a football star all the fans jump to there defence. Of course she is lying! Of course she just wants attention! She wanted him, she flirted with him, then changed her mind so it is her fault, these girls who hang around footy clubs should expect it, they are sluts, I mean we couldn’t possibly fault a sports star!

My son, my brother, my friend could never do that.

My rapist wasn’t a football star, or a celebrity, but he was a white male, blue eyes, blonde hair, he was a son, he was a brother, he had a sister who was dating a famous footballer that’s how he tried to impress me. He payed football  himself, but not professional. He was what appeared to be the boy next door.

I fought back, I begged, I screamed, I cried, whilst being dragged across the floor by my hair. I thought I could trust him. I had been on a date before that day, I had met his family, he had even cooked me and his family a meal. But when no one was looking, he changed.

Does it make it less of  a rape because I had already kissed him? Because I had met his family? When he beat me, when left me bruised, when he shattered my world was that ok because I had somehow led him on? Does it make people feel safer because they wouldn’t have let themselves be alone with a monster? Because of course they would have seen through is boy next door act wouldn’t they?

Is it my fault?

People would have me believe that. People want me to be at fault, it makes it easier for them to sleep at night. Not me though, it doesn’t make it easier for me.

It was a long time ago, should I just be over it? Should I go away quietly?

I have never written about this before. In fact only a few people know about what happened to me, because somehow I feel ashamed, well no actually it is not that I feel ashamed, it is because I FEAR being judged, being blamed! I fear that they will keep their children from playing with mine. It is probably irrational. Yet still I see people continue to blame the victim. I hear news stories saying ‘girls need to be more careful’, ‘tell your daughters not to wear short skirts’, ‘teach your daughters to make responsible choices”.

She shouldn’t have been drinking.

She shouldn’t have gone home with him.

She shouldn’t have walked down that street.

She shouldn’t have flirted with him.

She shouldn’t have worn that outfit.

She shouldn’t have stayed out so late.

She should have fought harder.

She shouldn’t have brushed him off or been rude.

They tell themselves.

I would never have gone there alone.

I would have never even spoken to him.

I would never walk there, catch that train line, be there, wear that, say that! My daughter would never do that . . . . .

That wouldn’t happen in our neighbourhood, at our school . . . .

WHAT ABOUT the fact the the rapist should have NEVER DONE IT regardless of what she wore, drank, said, did or didn’t do!!!????

Let’s not just raise our daughters to say NO, or BE SAFE, let’s raise our sons to respect women, to not think they rule the world, let’s raise them to not be rapist! Let’s raise them to not just think they can grope any women at a bar even if they are a football, or basketball star! Let’s teach them that you don’t touch women’s, or mens bodie’s unless you are clearly invited to, and even then if they ask you to stop you do!

I lived, I survived, I am stronger, I have an amazing man in my life. I am sick of being quiet. Everyday that I continue to feel ashamed, or scared, everyday I stay quiet I feel like I am being touched by him, watched by him, well I won’t let him win.

I was not drinking. I did wear short skirts, I did say NO. I did fight back.

I was a victim, I am no longer anyones victim.

Please just think about what you say, about who you blame. Think about what behaviours you ignore. Think about the way you raise your daughter, your son and the messages they are getting from you, or those around them. It is so easy to distance ourselves, to think it is not our problem, or it wouldn’t happen in our society. I thought it could never happen to me!

She is not a silly girl who asked for it, he is a boy, a man who violated every part of her!

She is not a foolish girl, or woman, or elderly lady, she could be you! She could be your sister, mother, granddaughter, she could be your friend.

She could be your daughter, he could be your son.

Ren.

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27 thoughts on “I was raped. So do you blame me?”

  1. I absolutely can’t stand it when it is implied that the rape victim is at fault – that she(or he) somehow ‘asked’ for it? Utterly ridiculous. The only person who has ever done wrong in a rape scenario is the rapist, end of.

    #satsesh

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It makes me angry too. So angry. I hate that the questions are always for the woman. I wish I had the power to change things. I wish I could do something because every time I read or hear about rape, or leave that even worry about my sister being out late at night or my daughter growing up in an unsafe society, it fills me up with rage but I can’t do anything about it!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. What happened to you makes me burn with intense rage. I am so sorry you had to go through this and hope you will reach out and scream at the top of your lungs when you need the support of others. Never suffer in silence, it’s the very loneliest thing to do.

    I think people try to blame the victim because they need a way to rationalize how this terrifying event could never happen to them – like they are immune from it. It’s disgusting and it needs to stop. A woman should be able to walk naked down a street without anyone making comments or thinking they have a right to her body. #AnythingGoes

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I appreciate your courage to come out and speak about it. It was not your fault, and nobody has the right to blame you. We are raising our boys so wrong. We never teach them what is wrong we only teach them to blame others for their problems. High time we turn the table and start teaching our boys what is wrong.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I applaud you for speaking out about this and you are so brave. In my eyes you are a hero and not a victim – don’t ever let this RAPE cloud hang over you and define who you are. Yes it left a scar and you will never forget it but don’t ever let it take over your life. You did absolutely noting wrong and that should not be questioned. Thanks for sharing this and raising awareness as it is so vital for all woman and men out there.#globalblogging

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I am so sorry! I have no words of wisdom or any quick saying to make it better. This sucks beyond words. The only thing I can say is you are not alone. The one joy in this piece was you have a partner whom you obviously trust. For that, I am thankful for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. As a survivor myself, I know exactly where you are coming from and it is also why I spent a great deal of time raising my sons to be respectful but also teaching them what respect means. I think that’s where we get lost in translation when teaching our kids, especially our sons. But it also doesn’t help that society as a whole still allows men to treat women as second class citizens and playthings. This was such a powerful post! Thank you for sharing it with us. #anythinggoes

    Liked by 1 person

  8. You are a very brave woman, Renee. I know you possibly don’t think you are but you are. You are speaking out and that will help others. No one that is raped is to blame. It was not your fault lovely. You are so right that we need to teach our boys that no means no. I’m a very strong believer in teaching all children that they need to respect each other and treat each other fairly and with kindness. I hope that by writing about what happened to you, it brings you some comfort. Take care. #mg

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Wow. It’s amazing how we as victimized women feel afraid of what will happen if we speak up. It shouldn’t matter! We should be afraid of what happens when we don’t speak up! The cycle won’t end.
    I also love that you point to us raising our sons to treat others with the utmost respect as well. We view raising our daughters to defend themselves and be aware of bad situations as second nature, but do we think the same of raising our sons to not be abusers?
    Stay strong, not silent.
    #globalblogging
    Katelynn, hampersandhiccups.com

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Absolutely zero percent of it was your fault. I will never understand why people won’t shift blame where it belongs. Men are not mindless beasts that can barely keep their base instincts in check, and women do not have to be responsible for their actions. I don’t give a shit if you were standing in a bar, completely naked, blitzed out of your mind. He was the one at fault. End. of. story.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I’m so sorry you have been through this and so sorry you were made to feel that the rape was somehow your fault. it is outrageous that people make these comments still in the 21st century. You write bravely and from the heart. I really hope that by writing this post, it has helped you in some way (even if just a little). I’m sure you will help others who read this post. Take care xx #thesatsesh

    Liked by 1 person

  12. #thesatsesh This is crazy – why do we still need to discuss this in 2018….its a no brainier. NO means simply this, ohhhh I feel a blog coming on inside me. Thanks for the thought provoking post, you write from the heart – thats always a winner for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. NO NO NO NO, it could never be your fault. The moral responsibility for rape can only ever sit with the perpetrator. Take care of yourself, and yes, you should have woken your husband up to talk to him. Sometimes it can help to get the thoughts off your chest. Pen x #mg

    Liked by 1 person

  14. as parents we need to raise our boys to know how to be responsible, we shouldn’t excuse rape by saying boys will be boys etc. now with the #metoo movement women are finally finding to courage to speak out about men who violated them even if they are famous and powerful. I’m so sorry you had to go through it, it is one of those things that do truly scar you but you are stronger now and you are a survivor #globalblogging.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I am so sorry to read this happened to you. It is a horrific, disgusting thing and the perpetrator is scum. It doesn’t matter what their background is, or if the woman was drunk or even messing about with the guy beforehand, no means no. Everyone has the right to control who touches their bodies and when. Thank you for sharing your story and for your strength #ablogginggoodtime

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  16. Such an incredibly brave post to write Ren. Thank you for sharing with us all and helping others who may have gone through the same awful ordeal. You are strong! And you are right we should all teach our sons how to be respectful and loving to others and that no means no! It’s lovely to hear that you have such a supportive partner. I wish you both all the happiness for the future.

    Thanks so much for joining in with #MMBC. I hope you can join me Monday xx

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  17. I was attacked at university. Luckily I got away. I said sorry as I ran away. I felt guilty. Every woman who makes a false claim is destroying the credibility of those who have been terrified, violated. I hope you have peace and closure. Thanks for linking up with #globalblogging

    Like

  18. I am so sorry this happened to you. Please know that it’s NOT your fault and you have no reason to feel ashamed. Sadly, there will be people who judge and question it, but you know what – that says more about them than it ever will about you, and you don’t need people like that in your life.
    Debbie

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  19. You’re not alone in this. The need to keep everyone else in mind, the need to keep emotions at bay and let them out only enough to be seen, the need to not make a fuss, the anger or scrap that – the rage and seeing the world tear us to pieces without saying our name. Every bit of it is personal because we are who it’s talking about. Victims blaming comes in many forms and jokes are one of them. There is no advice or words to ease all of the pain as we all cling to what we can. One thing we forget or maybe don’t know is that we owe no one. I’m sorry doesn’t cut it but it’s often genuine. If you want to rant and rage it’s my favourite past time especially about the world and its failings of victims, so if you want to talk to a stranger who can relate, feel free to drop me a message. I’m not one for telling people to calm down, we deserve to be angry and to show it. Most of all, be kind to you

    Liked by 1 person

  20. This is such a powerful post, so raw and honest and clearly written straight from the heart. It makes me so mad to read comments like that too, blaming the victim instead of the rapist. No one ever asks to be raped and I will be teaching my two sons to respect the bodies of others and that no always means no. I hope writing this has helped you in some way, thank you for being so brave and sharing your story xx #BlogCrush

    Liked by 1 person

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